“Merry Christmas, Baby” (FridayFlash)

Just when you thought you’d seen the last of my turtle dove stories, I give you one final installment. The stories are unrelated, but in case you are an aficionado of turtle doves, you can check out these stories:  “The Attack of the Turtle Dove” (#fridayflash), “The Turtle Dove” (part of Jim Wisneski’s “12 days of Christmas” project), and “In Search of the Turtle Dove” (#fridayflash).

“Merry Christmas, Baby” by P.J. Kaiser

“Yo!  Get off that, Ted!  Let somebody else have a turn!”

“Buzz off, Stan.”

“C’mon, you’re already fat enough to last you for the whole freakin’ winter.  Step aside!”

“Yeah?  And who’s going to make me – you?” Ted stopped eating for a moment and glared at Stan, knowing he posed no threat.  Ted resumed eating.

Stan kept his distance and sat on the adjacent fencepost but the moment that the turtle dove next to Ted finished eating, Stan swooped in to take his place at the bird feeder.  Ted’s and Stan’s beaks clicked against the metal rim of the bird feeder.  The other ten or fifteen turtle doves rustled their wings impatiently while waiting their turns.

Stan said, “So, that was some snow we got last night, huh, Ted?”

“Yeah, no kidding.  It took me a half hour to dig out my nest this morning.”

“Listen, I was only kidding about that fat joke.”

“I know, Stan – nothing personal.  A bird’s gotta eat, and I’m better at it than most.”

Stan and Ted looked like a bird version of Laurel and Hardy.  Ted’s rotund body nearly hid his legs from view and as he dipped his head to eat, his plump bottom bobbed up.  Stan kept turning his small frame to fend off attacks on his position.  Eventually, another dove came at him with his beak and Stan had to relinquish his spot.  Ted continued to eat his fill and occasionally turned and flashed a broad wing at an incoming bird to maintain his position.

A dog barked and in an instant all the birds vanished into the skies and then circled back to land in the limbs of an adjacent tree.  Ted and another plump bird landed on adjacent branches.  Ted said, “See, Gertie?  Didn’t I tell you I’d take you somewhere special for Christmas Eve dinner?”

Gertie said, “This place is terrific.”

“Are you getting enough to eat?  Those smaller doves try to wrestle their way in there -”

Gertie said, “Oh, sure, Ted.  Don’t worry about me.  Size is on my side, too, you know.”

As if on a silent command, all the doves simultaneously took flight and returned to their positions in and around the bird feeder.  Ted and Gertie didn’t have the speed of some of the smaller doves, so they had to stay back a few moments and then muscle their way back to their positions on opposite sides of the feeder.

From the top of the fence, Stan said in a stage whisper, “Hey, Ted, did you see that hot little number that I was talking to up in the tree?  I need to get the 4-1-1 on her …”

Over his shoulder, Ted said, “Stan, you’re a perv.  She’s young enough to be your hatchling!  Just find some nice little dove to settle down with.”

“Well, just because we’re turtle doves, doesn’t mean that we can all find true love like you,” Stan looked down and pecked at some pieces of birdseed that had been left behind by other birds.  “What did you get the missus for Christmas?”

“I can’t tell – it’s a surprise.”  Ted felt like he needed to take a little break from eating and digest for a few minutes, so with a flip of his wings, he hopped over next to Stan on the fence, displacing a clump of snow that softly fell to the ground.

“Oh, brother.  Probably more Dove bars, right?  You’re going to have to break your addiction before spring, otherwise they’ll melt all over your nest!”

“No, not Dove bars, stupid.  Anyway, I can’t say.  You’ll just have to be surprised like Gertie.  What are you doing for Christmas?”

“Oh, I don’t know.  I might go check out the game.  The Hawks are playing the Ravens tomorrow afternoon at 1pm.  Hey, maybe I should ask that girl to go with me?”

“I’m telling you, she’s too young for you.  I’m sure she’s still in flight school.  She’ll be home with her parents.”

A scuffle ensued at the feeder as doves jostled for position and one of the small doves on the losing end flew up next to Stan and Ted on the fence. “Those guys can be so mean sometimes!  Can’t a girl just get a little bit of food?”

Ted said, “It’s OK, sweetheart, just be patient and eventually those guys will have their fill and then you can get some dinner.”

Stan bumped Ted with his wing and gestured at the girl with his head, indicating she was the girl he had been talking about.

Ted said, “My name is Ted and this is my pal Stan.  Have you met?”

She said softly, “Um, yes, my name is Stacy.  I think we were talking in the tree, right? I was just starting to say how I just graduated from flight school and I’m getting a nest of my own next week.”

Stan and Ted exchanged glances.  Stan said, “Wow, that’s terrific – congratulations!”

Ted said, “Yes, that’s great.  Hey, Stan was just saying he is going tomorrow to the Hawks vs. Ravens game – maybe you’d like to join him?”

Stacy said shyly, “Sure, that’d be fun.  My parents usually serve the Christmas grass shoots in the morning, so I’m free in the afternoon.”

“Grass shoots?” asked Stan, “Where do your parents find grass shoots this time of year?”

“Oh, they know some doves.”

Gertie flew over, joined the group and said, “Ted, are you ready to go?  I’m worried about our hatchlings.  We should get back home.”

“Sure, sweetheart.  Bye now – you kids have fun tomorrow!” Ted and Gertie took off as Stan and Stacy shouted, “Merry Christmas” after them.

Ted and Gertie flew side by side and as they got to the corner near their nest, Ted said, “Gertie, I just want to see something down here …” Ted veered off to the left and Gertie followed.

“What?  What are you looking for, Ted?”

After a few moments, Ted landed on a tree branch in the city park, just above the fountain.  In the summertime, Gertie and Ted enjoyed circling the fountain and playing tag with the hatchlings trying to dodge the water droplets.  Gertie said, “Why are we here, Ted?  The fountain isn’t operating today -” Gertie stopped short as she heard a “peep, peep” that sounded just like one of her hatchlings.  “What …?”

Ted said, “Look there, Gertie.”  Ted gestured with his wing.  There, nestled against the trunk of the tree, supported by two sturdy branches was a spacious nest holding Ted and Gertie’s six hatchlings, under the watchful eye of Gertie’s friend Sara.

“Oh, Ted!  A new nest!  How wonderful!  And Sara, you knew about this all along!  Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Ted swore me to secrecy, dear!  OK, I’ll be going now.  I can see you two lovebirds want to be alone.  Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas, Sara!”  Gertie shouted as Sara flew away.  “Ted, this is fabulous!  The nest is so big and how on earth did you get this spot?”

“Well, it wasn’t easy.  There was already a nest here.  I had to – uh – convince them to relocate and then I added on to their nest.”

Ted and Gertie perched on the side of their new nest and nuzzled with their hatchlings.  Gertie looked up at Ted who beamed at her and said, “Merry Christmas, baby.”